Friendship goes beyond sharing common interests or funny memories. Friendship is vital to our mental wellbeing, and can significantly improve our confidence and give us a deep sense of belonging.  

Making new friendships in adulthood is challenging. There is always a fear of being rejected, not fitting in or feelings of disinterest by others. Building a friendship is a process that takes time and a continual effort to gain validity. According to reports, the most important quality people value in a friend is being someone that makes them feel like they matter as a person. Here is information on how to adopt healthy behaviours that will increase our confidence to step out of our comfort zone and attract new friends.    

Dealing with the Fear of Friendship Rejection 

Let’s think about our own unconscious beliefs when it comes to making new friends, by diving into the “Reverse Regulation Theory.” In a nutshell, this theory explores the idea that we choose how much to invest in a relationship based on our fear of being rejected.  

The theory argues there are two modes we can act upon. The first mode is self-protection. Self-protection mode can manifest itself in many ways, including negative thoughts like “I am too afraid to reach out to a new friend,” “No one wants to hear from me,” “What if they don’t respond?”, “I don’t trust anyone,” or “I am not going to go out of my way.” This mode often creates a façade that we are cold or distant.  Perceived rejection leads to you becoming the actual rejector, making it difficult for others to approach us. 

The second mode is known as the pro-relationship mode. Activating the pro mode involves one crucial step; maintaining a positive self-belief that we are worthy of being loved by others. Acknowledging our worthiness to receive love, will prompt us to behave in a warmer and more open way that has others feeling safe reciprocating.  

Establishing a generous attitude is another core element to pro-relationship. A person with a generous attitude will perceive that they can make new friends and take on the role of ‘active initiator.’ It’s about taking steps to continually initiate social invitations, start a conversation or as simple as sending a text saying ‘how are you?’ People value when others take interest in their lives.  

Key takeaway: Consider the impact of your behaviour on others. Go into social situations thinking people WILL like you and initiate interactions.  

Tackling Avoidance and Overthinking Behaviours 

Being fearful, leads to avoidance of social interaction. Author of Platonic, Dr Marisa G Franco, teaches two types of avoidance behaviours when it comes to making friends:  

  1. Over avoidance “I don’t show up because I’m scared”
  2. Covert avoidance “I show up physically but I check out mentally, I’m just on my phone or talking to that one person I already know”

The over avoider must learn to curve past fear and not let it overwhelm us. The best way to start attending in-person events for an over avoider, is to aim for small doses of social interaction. For example, going to a birthday for one hour. This will help to slowly gain confidence to show up to more events, as we become used to being around different types of people. Remember when feeling uncomfortable in social situations the best thing to do is ask people about themselves. Keep handy a list of conversation starters to use when meeting new people and perhaps review it before each event.  

If we have dealt with attending social outings in the past, that did not lead to making new friends, it may be a matter of pushing ourselves to get back out there again. Think of creative hobbies, courses, or sports, to participate in. Seize opportunities to be among like-minded people. Also, aim to sign up for courses with a longer timeframe, versus one-off events. Perhaps try out something unfamiliar, as there could be someone else in the same situation. Remember, things could go really well. Go with the flow and see where it leads.    

Covert avoiders should create mini challenges that ensure an increase in social participation. Journaling down some goals on specific areas, such as aiming to avoid phone usage during events and to speak to at least two people in the room. Whatever the aim is, achieving these small goals will help with becoming more present, confident, comfortable, and calm when engaging with new people over time.   

Key takeaways: Plan out a schedule where you do something social at least once a month. Journal out your anxieties and successes in overcoming social avoidant behaviours. Practice accomplishing a mini social challenge, engaging in new group activities, or if in doubt ask a stranger a question about themselves. 

Self-compassion & Embracing our Vulnerable Side   

Did you know that being vulnerable can lead to making new friends? It’s called the “Beautiful Mess Effect.” Through sharing the more vulnerable side of ourselves, we can experience closer connections, as well as an increase in trust, self-confidence, and belonging. So while it may seem daunting to unveil the “messy” parts of our lives, doing so could be the key to opening the door to a new friendship.    

Research has found it is human nature to view our own flaws and weaknesses far more negatively than we see that of others. As a result, we tend to refrain from being vulnerable in our relationships due to fear of negative judgement from others and being rejected. This is where self-compassion is crucial. 

Self-compassion is about treating ourselves like we would a friend, by replacing thoughts that are of a self-critical nature, with thoughts of loving-kindness. Practicing regular meditation on self-compassion can help quieten the voice of our inner critic and ignite our confidence to be more open and authentic in social situations. Self-compassion practices allow us to nurture and embrace who we are, flaws and all. By doing so, we can develop stronger, more confident relationships based on honesty. 

Key takeaways: It may seem uncomfortable, but unleashing glimpses of your vulnerable side can help with finding the right connections. Nurturing feelings of safety and compassion towards yourself will help you in this process. By repeating positive thoughts of loving-kindness, meditation, and lots of practice, we can ease our anxiety in social situations and attract new friends.  

Anxiety and fear often hold us back from exploring new relationships, but we may be missing out on life’s greatest experiences. Seeking new friendships can add a whole new dimension to our lives. It’s time for a challenge – put negative thoughts and fears away and take a leap into the unknown. 

Resources 

Break Up Bestie. (2022, November 1). The Power of Friendship with Dr. Marisa G Franco. https://open.spotify.com/episode/3XcrXM8sy1cPtlpdGOMCM4?si=L1OZzOmOQ52jVVdxIXCbTg 

Melli O’Brien: Learn Mindfulness & Mental Strength. (2023, October 10). The Beautiful Mess Effect [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ulrg3EwQayc